


we are not alive // we are surviving every time

by unforgvnsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester and Food, Season/Series 01, Winchester Coping Mechanisms, sam unfortunately...... is rly good at blaming himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 02:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unforgvnsam/pseuds/unforgvnsam
Summary: sam isn’t doing well after losing jess. he forgets to sleep and he forgets to eat. dean steps in. (for badthingshappenbingo)





	we are not alive // we are surviving every time

**Author's Note:**

> apparently i'm back on my bullshit, and will hopefully stay on it for a while

“Sam? Sam.  _Sam_.”

Sam’s eyes slowly slide away from his absent stare at the asphalt. “What?”

“You eat anything today?” Dean waves the hand that’s not on the wheel around his face. “You look… shittier than usual. Paler. Makes the circles under your eyes more noticeable too.” Dean grins like he’s trying to lighten the subject a little. Sam huffs out a laugh. “I mean, we already know you don’t sleep enough.”

“Uh… No. I guess not. I don’t remember eating anyway.”

“You don’t  _remember_? Jesus, Sam, when’s the last time you  _do_  remember eating? Because the last real meal I’m remembering is that diner three states and two nights ago. And it was salad.”

“ _Chicken_  salad. We’ve been over this. It’s nutritious.”

“Fine, but is that  _really_  the last time you ate, man?”

“I… I guess?”

“G-ddammit, Sam. What the fuck?”

“I just. I don’t know. I forgot? We’ve been busy. I… Yeah.”

“Sam…” Dean pulls over. He does that when he’s too concerned to keep looking at the road enough to drive. Sam stares through the windshield at the repetitive corn fields of the Midwest; Dean stares at him.

“You at least hungry now?”

Sam glances at him again. “Uh, yeah. Now that you mention it, yeah.”

“Okay. Good.” Dean shifts the Impala into drive and looks around before making a u-turn. “We passed a town just a few miles back.”

* * *

 

A waitress seats them by a booth next to a window. It’s about noon and there’s a soft kind of bustle to the place. It distracts Sam from the concerned looks Dean keeps throwing at him. It actually works until the waiter comes to get their order.

“I’ll have your double cheeseburger and some fries and uh… What do you want, Sam?”

“I, um, could I have a chicken salad, please?” Sam smiles up at the waiter. He’s cute. Something at the back of Sam’s head hopes he doesn’t look as terrible as Dean said he does.

Dean licks his lips in frustration before looking up at the waiter. “Make sure there’s plenty of chicken in that salad.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Be right back with that.”

Sam exaggerates a sigh. “Really?”

Dean shrugs. “I’m not letting you die because all you,  _occasionally_ , eat is rabbit food.” That gets an eye roll. “No, but really. You gotta eat regularly. You can’t just fuckin’ starve yourself, Sammy.”

“It’s  _Sam_ , Dean.”

“Aw, c’mon. You don’t have to try and change the subject.”

“I’m sorry, Dee. I just… I don’t really always think about eating, I guess.”

“You don’t think about eating, you don’t think about sleeping. You don’t think about anything but finding Jessica’s killer.” Dean’s voice gets a little softer at the end. It’s probably because Sam’s face hardens, but he keeps going. “You have to keep yourself fucking alive to do that, man. You can’t just let yourself fade away.” He bumps Sam’s knee with his. “Maybe stop ignoring yourself as a way of punishing yourself.”

Sam laughs, a little too loudly, a little too sudden. It’s jarring to hear it out loud. Technically, he knows what he’s been doing, even if he doesn’t let himself think about it. If he’d really acknowledge it, he’d realize that Jess wouldn’t want it. “ _Sure_ , Dean.” He’s about to say more when the waiter comes back with their plates, looking a little bit wary because of the tension charging the air.

Dean takes a big bite out of his burger and Sam picks at the salad for a minute. The bustle isn’t distracting enough to make Sam’s thoughts stop running in circles anymore.

“Hey… Hey, Sammy.”

He looks up again.

“If you can’t stop blaming yourself, at least let me help you take care of yourself, asshole.” Dean knocks their knees together again and tilts his head. “Deal?”

Sam’s lips twist into a slight smile, slower than his shocked laugh before, a little more real. “I can… I can give it a shot.”

**Author's Note:**

> pls come yell at me at ftmsam on tumblr
> 
> (have i used lyrics from a song titled home before ?? yes. but was it home by aurora ??? no)


End file.
